Archive for the ‘Netjokes’ Category

Suicide

March 27, 2010

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ” pick up
your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
promised land”.

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, ” Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc . . . I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin’ call
center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Women

March 23, 2010

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

” Czechoslovakia .”


Moral of the story
:
Never make a woman angry….. There will be Hell to pay
later!

Conductor

March 18, 2010

Nice puzzle – try to crack it …

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.

One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn’t stop the bus.

Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.

The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.

He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone’s amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn’t stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.

Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to
everyone’s amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he
returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.. Though he hadn’t done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and
gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!

The question is why didn’t he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??

Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.


Still you can’t, Then look below……. . ..

think hard………

come on ………… .

tired…. ?

wanna know the answer????

Ok…….. there is the Answer…… ……

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn’t pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!!!!!

Ha ha ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you’ve gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???

Blonde jokes

March 10, 2010

*Two blondes** living in * *Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and **
One blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away…
Florida or the moon** ?*

*T**he other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see  Florida
???*

*CAR **
TROUBLE*

*A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the **
Mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. *

*She says, ‘What’s the story?’ *

*He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’*

*She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’*

*SPEEDING **
TICKET*

*A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. *

*She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. **
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!’*

*RIVER **
WALK*

*There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the
other side?’*

*The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
‘You ARE on the other side.’*

*AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE*

*A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it..*

*’Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’ *

*The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. *

*The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you? *

*’Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’ *

*’I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’*

*KNITTING*

*  *

*A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!*

*Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL
OVER!’ *

*’NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!*

*IN A **
VACUUM*

*A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She
thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’*

*FINALLY, **
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!*

*A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard
of someone naming dogs like that** **?** ЕЕЕ..**  ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’
answered the blonde. ‘They’re **watch **dogs***

Taxes

March 6, 2010

Question 1.. : What are you doing?
> Ans. : Business.
> Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
>
>
> Question 2 : What are you doing in Business?
> Ans. : Selling the Goods.
> Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!
>
> Question 3 : From where are you getting Goods?
> Ans. : From other State/Abroad
> Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI
>
>
> Question 4 : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
> Ans. : Profit.
> Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!
>
> Question 5: How do you distribute profit ?
> Ans : By way of dividend
> Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX
>
>
> Question 6 : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
> Ans. : Factory…
> Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!
>
> Question 7 : Do you have Office / Warehouse / Factory?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
>
>
> Question 8 : Do you have Staff?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
>
> Question 9 : Doing business in Millions?
> Ans. : Yes — Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
> Ans : No — Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax
>
>
> Question 10 : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from
> Bank?
> Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
> Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
>
> Question 11 : Where are you taking your client for Lunch
> & Dinner?
> Ans. : Hotel
>
> Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
>
> Question 12 : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
>
> Question 13 : Have you taken or given any Service / (s)?
>
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
>
> Question 14 : How come you got such a Big Amount?
> Ans… : Gift on birthday.
> Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!
>
> Question 15.: Do you have any Wealth?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!
>
>
> Question 16 : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where
> are you going?
> Ans. : Cinema or Resort.
> Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
>
> Question 17 : Have you purchased House?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
>
>
> Question 18 : How you Travel?
> Ans. : Bus
> Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!
>
> Question 19.: Any Additional Tax?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL &
> SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.’s TAX !!!
>
>
> Question 20: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!
>
> 21) INDIAN : Can I die now??
> Ans :: Wait we are about to launch the funeral tax
> !!!

Man & Woman

February 17, 2010

A Man’s Thoughts!

>
>
>
>Thought 1
>
>When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.. When
we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.. When we
die, our widows get the life insurance.
>What do women want to be liberated from?
>
>
>Thought 2
>
>The average man’s life consists of:
>Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
>Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
>and at the end, the mourners wondering too where the hell he is going.
>
>
>Thought 3
>
>Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They
reached the altar and the waiting groom;  the bride kissed her father and
placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was
given to the father by the bride.
>
>The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to
divulge the secret and say something.. So he announced :
>
>’Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ….’   Then
he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,  ‘My
daughter finally,  finally returned my Credit Card to me.’
>
>The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . .. . .   But
not the poor Groom ! ! !
>
>
>And  now  the  Best  one. . . . .
>
>
>Thought 4
>
>A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,  ‘If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you..’
>
>The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him… The man was
astonished.  He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the
road. Once again the voice shouted,  ‘Stop !  Stand still !  If you take
one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.’
>
>The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around
the corner, barely missing him.  The man asked. ‘Who are you?’
>
>’I am your guardian angel,’ the voice answered.
>
>’Oh, yeah?’  the man said  ‘And where the hell were you when I got married?
>

Haste

February 16, 2010

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’ , he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

God

February 11, 2010

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn’t get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father’s business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his

Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married..

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Celebrity

February 10, 2010

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman’s heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.

‘Pull yourself together!’ she chides herself. ‘You’re a happily married woman with three children, you’re forty-five years old, not a teenager!’

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman’s direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where’s my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk’s hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight..

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, ‘You put it in your purse.’

TV

February 9, 2010

A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger…he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn’t seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home… Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn’t permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked… And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents’ den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?…. .. .

We just call him ‘TV.’

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now….We call her ‘Computer.’
Their first child is “Cell Phone”.
Second child “I Pod”