Quiz

A Quiz for people who know everything

There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn’t.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several  growing seasons.  All other vegetables must be replanted every year.  What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.  The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way.  How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘ dw’ and they are all common words.  Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’

Answers To Quiz:

1… The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants  know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:   Niagara Falls .
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?  It grew inside the bottle.
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.  The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle…

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellip ses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ‘S’:  Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,  stockings, stilts.

Suicide

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ” pick up
your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
promised land”.

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, ” Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc . . . I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin’ call
center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Women

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

” Czechoslovakia .”


Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry….. There will be Hell to pay later!

Sex

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

condom

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’

The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’

The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

Marriage quotes

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question… Which I have not been able to answer… Is, “What does a woman want?”
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
George W. Bush

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Rudy Giuliani

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
Michael Jordan
“I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring…soon after….comes Suffer…ing!
Jay Leno

symbols

Three guys died on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they
are met by St. Peter.

“In honour of the season”, St. Peter says to them, “Before I let
you pass through the pearly gates, you must each give me
something that represents Christmas.”

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two
lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

“What do they represent?”, St. Peter asks him.

“They’re candles!”

“Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!”

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple
sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

“What do they represent?” St. Peter asks.

“They’re bells!”

“Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!”

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally
pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women’s knickers. He holds
them up proudly.

“What do they represent?” St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled.

“They’re Carol’s!”

Blonde jokes

*Two blondes** living in * *Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and **
One blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away…
Florida or the moon** ?*

*T**he other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see  Florida
???*

*CAR **
TROUBLE*

*A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the **
Mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. *

*She says, ‘What’s the story?’ *

*He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’*

*She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’*

*SPEEDING **
TICKET*

*A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. *

*She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. **
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!’*

*RIVER **
WALK*

*There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the
other side?’*

*The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
‘You ARE on the other side.’*

*AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE*

*A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it..*

*’Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’ *

*The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. *

*The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you? *

*’Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’ *

*’I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’*

*KNITTING*

*  *

*A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!*

*Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL
OVER!’ *

*’NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!*

*IN A **
VACUUM*

*A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She
thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’*

*FINALLY, **
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!*

*A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard
of someone naming dogs like that** **?** ЕЕЕ..**  ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’
answered the blonde. ‘They’re **watch **dogs***

Work stress

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he
had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tyre made him
lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient
one-ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in
stony silence.

On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked
towards the front door, he paused briefly at a tree, touching the
tips of the tree. When opening the door he underwent an amazing
transformation.

His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small
children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the
car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I
asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied. “I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, those troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again. “Funny thing is,” he smiled, “when I come out in the morning to pick them up,
there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night
before.”

Taxes

Question 1.. : What are you doing?
> Ans. : Business.
> Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
>
>
> Question 2 : What are you doing in Business?
> Ans. : Selling the Goods.
> Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!
>
> Question 3 : From where are you getting Goods?
> Ans. : From other State/Abroad
> Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI
>
>
> Question 4 : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
> Ans. : Profit.
> Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!
>
> Question 5: How do you distribute profit ?
> Ans : By way of dividend
> Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX
>
>
> Question 6 : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
> Ans. : Factory…
> Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!
>
> Question 7 : Do you have Office / Warehouse / Factory?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
>
>
> Question 8 : Do you have Staff?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
>
> Question 9 : Doing business in Millions?
> Ans. : Yes — Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
> Ans : No — Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax
>
>
> Question 10 : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from
> Bank?
> Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
> Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
>
> Question 11 : Where are you taking your client for Lunch
> & Dinner?
> Ans. : Hotel
>
> Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
>
> Question 12 : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
>
> Question 13 : Have you taken or given any Service / (s)?
>
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
>
> Question 14 : How come you got such a Big Amount?
> Ans… : Gift on birthday.
> Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!
>
> Question 15.: Do you have any Wealth?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!
>
>
> Question 16 : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where
> are you going?
> Ans. : Cinema or Resort.
> Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
>
> Question 17 : Have you purchased House?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
>
>
> Question 18 : How you Travel?
> Ans. : Bus
> Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!
>
> Question 19.: Any Additional Tax?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL &
> SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.’s TAX !!!
>
>
> Question 20: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
> Ans. : Yes
> Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!
>
> 21) INDIAN : Can I die now??
> Ans :: Wait we are about to launch the funeral tax
> !!!